To Make You Smile
by JustKeepGoing
Summary: It's been sometime since Ryan's death. Alex and Marisa moved to canada, but something's changed. Alex is in a harsh depression. She won't talk, comunicate or even love. Will Marissa be able to save her? Sequal to Busy Waging Wars on Myself, Femslash MALEX
1. Chapter 1

I'm back, and with with the sequal to **Busy Waging Wars on Myself. **If you have never read that story, i advise you do so seeing as this is the sequal.

I once again thank Blue October and the song Calling You for the title.

Rated: PG-13 for a little swearing, and other things that may happen in the future  
Disclaimer: I don't own OC

To Make You Smile

"Whose idea was it to hide out in Canada?" Marissa shivered, latching onto Alex's warmth. It had been so long since the shooting. She didn't even remember why they were here. Alex's name had been cleared. Still they ran and hid. The only thing she remembered was hugging Summer goodbye, not even telling her the reason they were going. Then the rest was blank. It was like she had woken up and boom; she was in Canada. "… Mmm, why are we here anyway? Your name got cleared." Marissa kissed Alex's lips, her eyes smiling.

She never got sick of Alex. How could she? Alex was perfect. No matter what Ryan or any other person said. Alex was perfect. But recently everything had changed. Alex had changed. She was leaving questions unanswered; she ignored any food placed in front of her, and she rarely ever spoke. Marissa danced a finger across Alex's cheek. She loved Alex no matter what, but she wanted the old Alex back, the Alex who talked nonstop, the Alex who answered her questions, not ignored them. The Alex she fell in love with.

Alex threw her legs over the side of the bed, leaving Marissa alone on it. She shuddered, the cool air biting at newly exposed skin. She hated when Alex did this. She never got an excuse, a reason, just a still silence. She despised that silence. With silence only loneliness could come. She couldn't have company if she was lonely. It just didn't work. She had to have someone by her side, someone to love. She sighed. She had to get the old Alex back. She had to get that smile back. She had to make her girlfriend happy. But she didn't know how. After the shooting, the things that used to will a smile onto Alex's lips only brought a subtle frown. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen Alex smile since the shooting. She'd only seen frowns. Marissa frowned. She had to find that special thing, that special sensation, that special moment that would make Alex smile. But what?

Marissa sighed. Her one chance to be the hero and she was clueless. She didn't have a sing trail to follow. There was nothing that led to that one something so extreme that it brought a smile to Alex's face. She was a hero without superpowers. She couldn't save Alex. Marissa bowed her head. She couldn't be the hero even when the situation called for her. She was useless. There was nothing she could do but wait for Alex to come back.

The clock's loud ticks invaded her ears, fighting its way under her skin. She could take it. The sound was so annoying. Tick, tick, tick, she just wanted to throw it on the ground. She took a long breath in. _Calm yourself Marissa, don't get all worked up over nothing._ Her body managed to relax for a few seconds, but the anxiety quickly returned, the ticking of the clock beating at her nerves. She couldn't take it. Marissa swiped the clock to the floor, accidentally knocking an untitled book on the floor. Curious, Marissa grabbed the book, caressing the black cover with the palm of her hand.

She ran a finger down the opening, carefully peeling the cover open. It was Alex's hand writing, _her diary._ She gulped. She knew she shouldn't read it. It wasn't hers. She had no right, but something inside her was scraping at her thoughts, turning them from what was right to what was wrong. She flipped through the book at first, spotting the anger in the pages already. The pages were torn in places, words were crossed out, and other places the corners and sides were ripped. Marissa held the book tighter, fingering the pages till she was on the first. It was dated the day after the murder.

_Dear Diary,  
I did something horrible I killed Ryan. I killed someone. I thought I wouldn't feel bad. He tried to… but I do. I just want to get rid of these thoughts. The picture of him on Marissa, the picture of me holding that gun my finger playing on the trigger, the picture of the bullet piercing his heart. I can't get them out of my head… It hurts. It hurts badly, like it was physical. When I see the picture of his death, when it flashes through my mind, I feel the bullet go through my heart; I feel the pain of death. I killed him. I'm going to hell. I killed somebody…_

Marissa closed the diary, not able to continue; she placed it back where she found it. Alex was in so much pain. More pain then she had ever imagined. More pain then she suffered through. She frowned. How was she going to get through to Alex? How was she going to make a girl with so much trouble, her girlfriend smile? How? She bit her lip. Reaching for the phone, she quickly dialed up Summer, no answer. She sighed, slammed the phone down, and fell back onto the bed.

"I have to save her…" Marissa whispered to herself, entangling her fingers in her tresses.

"Save who?" Alex asked. Marissa jumped out of her skin, nearly falling on the floor. She hadn't heard Alex talk in so long. Hearing that familiar voice was like seeing Alex for the first time, it was new. She hopped out of her seat, scurrying over to Alex. She attempted to hug Alex, but the blonde just pulled away, walking into the bathroom. Marissa felt her stomach churned. Did she do something wrong? Why was Alex avoiding her? She had only wanted to hug her. She had wanted to giver her love. Marissa's lower lips quivered. Did Alex not love her anymore?

Alex trudged out of the bathroom a few minutes later, her face pale. Marissa patted the space next to her, hoping for some time with Alex. Alex slid in next to Marissa, resting her head on Marissa's chest, a protective hand lying over her own stomach. Marissa smiled at her, a hint of worry hidden in her eyes. Why was she being so careful about her stomach? Marissa decided to leave the topic alone, basking in Alex's presence. She was content for now, but she knew that she had a job to do. She had to make Alex smile. She had to make Alex happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Don't own OC.

---

Marissa tweezed the necks of five beer bottles between her fingers. The apartment was empty once again, Alex on one of her mysterious trips. It had been like this for the last week. Alex was never there. At night they would be in the same bed, but in the morning she would find the once taken space empty. It had been bad last week when Alex had barely spoken to her, but she had cuddled with her. Now she could barley kiss Alex on the cheek, or hug her with out being pushed away. She sighed, tossing the glass into the trash can.

Her goal was nowhere in sight. There were no clues telling her where the key to Alex's smile was. Marissa sighed, falling back on the bed. She had searched this past week, tickling, gifts, cuddles, nothing worked. They only brought a firmer frown onto Alex's lips, not a smile. And now she was idealess. Her list of things that used to make Alex happy was filled with lines. Her list had been exhausted, and she still had failed. She shook her head. She may have failed, but she wasn't going to give up. She was going to make Alex smile.

Grabbing the phone, Marissa dialed in a number, bringing it to her ear. She was getting help. She was getting a sidekick. The familiar ring filled her ear. Marissa tapped the tone out with her fingers, waiting for Summer to pick up the phone.

"Hello," Marissa smirked, hearing a friendly voice. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It had been so long since she last spoke with Summer. She didn't know how long, but it had been a long time. "Um, hello, is anyone there? Seth?" Marissa took in a deep breath. She was going to ask for help. She was going to succeed. And if she needed help, she needed help, and there was nothing she could do about it.

"Sum' it's Riss', I need your help." Marissa finally responded. She gulped, staring at the door. If Alex caught her talking to Summer about her, she didn't know what would happen other than Alex getting mad. And that was the last thing she wanted to see. "Ever since the shooting, she hasn't been the same. She doesn't talk to me, cuddle, anything. She just leaves me alone, and she never smiles." Marissa breathed, checking the door once more. "I need to make her happy, make her smile."

"Well, what makes her smile?" Marissa took a heavy breath in. That question had plagued her mind for the past week, and now it was back. It was back and ready to fight. She shoved it aside. She couldn't think about her failure. She had to think about how this time she was going to be the hero. How she was going to save Alex? Marissa sighed. Marissa the hero, that sounded nice, but now she had to complete that phrase. That was the tricky part.

"I've tried that. I've tried everything that used to make her smile. Nothing worked. I'm fresh out of ideas. Do you have any?" Marissa sighed. If Summer didn't have an idea, what was she going to do? How would she save Alex? Marissa gulped. What if there was no way to save her? Then what? What would happen? _Don't think like that._ She shook of the negative thoughts. She had to look on the bright side.

"Well, what was your first date like? You should redo it, like in TV shows. It always works. Look Coop, I got to go, talk to you later." With that Marissa clicked the phone off. What a brilliant idea, have another first date. She smirked. She had an idea, a plan and a way. Swiping the notepad on the night table, Marissa began to jot down her plan. She had decided on dinner, carnival and then something else, she couldn't figure out what. Their first, first date had been at the beach. That would be a perfect location to end the date. But there were no beaches around, just bowling alleys and other unromantic activities. There had to be a place.

Marissa skid off the bed, stealing a map and a magazine off the front table. She began flipping through the magazine. It was filled with date ideas and hot spots around Canada. She scanned each destination. She never knew planning a date could be hard. Normally they just happened. But in Canada it was different. There wasn't a club or a beach she could run to. There was nothing. The only thing that sounded possibly fun was the carnival. Finding something interesting, she read on. There was a beach a couple hours away from the carnival. It was perfect. The date was going to be perfect.

Quickly, Marissa made a reservation at a five-star restaurant, knowing Alex would be home any second. She always came back at six. It was the only thing Marissa could be sure of. It was the only thing she knew about Alex's new schedule. The clock read 5:53, seven minutes till Alex would barge through that door. Seven minutes until she would tell Alex about the date. Seven minutes until she would be pushed away. Marissa looked up, the creak of the door invading her ears. Alex was home. She smirked, hid her plans, and walked up to her girlfriend.

"Hey baby," she brought Alex into a hug but got no response in return. She sighed. "Tomorrow we're going on a date." She pulled back. Alex only nodded and dragged her feet to the bathroom. Marissa sighed. She had hoped Alex would have been at least a tiny bit excited. That she would have at least smiled. That she would have at least thanked her or something. But she instead ignored her. She just walked away like she wasn't there, like she was invisible. Marissa trudged back to the bed, collapsing onto it. They were going on a date.


	3. Chapter 3

Don't own OC

---

Marissa clutched Alex's hand tighter as she followed the waiter to their seats. She wasn't about to let her girlfriend run away and hide. She was going to hold on tight, keep Alex by her side, and make her happy. She didn't care how nervous Alex got, or how much Alex wanted to run away. She was going to keep Alex by her side and chase away her fears, and sorrow. She wasn't about to let Alex give in to them and run. She was going to hold on tight no matter what.

Marissa smiled, pulling a chair back for Alex to sit on. She didn't even receive a thank you, just a faint nod. Sighing, she slid into her own seat, flashing another smile towards her girlfriend; her eyes planted on the frown lingering on Alex's lips. What would change it to a smile? What could she do? She had no answers. The date was going as planned, yet there was no hint that Alex was going to smile, just the feeling that she was going to run away. She hated that feeling. She wanted Alex to feel safe. But how would she do that?

She was always there for Alex, hand in hand wherever they went, but Alex didn't seem to notice. Or so she thought. Whenever they went out, she could feel Alex tug against her hand. She could feel the need to run rampaging through the blonde's body. She hated it. She hated that even hand in hand, Alex didn't feel safe. Alex couldn't stand strong even with a helping hand. She knew Ryan -with help of the shooting- would change Alex up from the start, but she had no idea how drastic that change would be until now. She just hoped it wouldn't be permanent.

"Hi, my name is Randolpho. I'll be your server for the night. Do you know what you'd like to drink?" Marissa gazed up at the waiter. He, oddly enough, looked like Ryan. Feeling movement under table, her eyes were reverted to Alex whom was chewing on her lower lip. Alex must've realized the similarity between the two. She stretched her arm out until her hand rested on Alex's leg. "Is something wrong madam?" Marissa shook her head no. What was she to do? She couldn't just say 'hey, you look like the guy my girlfriend shot! You mind if we get another guy?' She couldn't do that. That would be rude and strange. 

"Um, yeah, I'll have a diet coke."

"Make that two," Alex smiled, uttering her first words of the night. Marissa grinned, _maybe I should become a waitress; they seem to get Alex to talk._ She shook her head. She was going to be herself and get Alex to talk. She wasn't about to change just to get Alex to talk. That would be cheating. She would never cheat. "I guess this would be awkward if I didn't talk." Marissa's eyes became wide. Did Alex just talk? Alex just talked.

"Yes, yes it would." Marissa responded, not quite sure how to respond. It had been so long since they'd communicated with word. Normally it was just a jumble of nods and grunts, not letters and words. But now there were letters, words, and sentences, and she was the one at a loss of words. "Okay, so now that you're actually talking, I don't know what to say…" Alex giggled. Why didn't she think of a restaurant date sooner? It was like bam, Alex talked. She found the key to Alex's voice; now all she needed was the key to Alex's smile. She knew that would be harder to find.

"Here you are ladies!" Randolpho winked as he placed the two drinks down. Marissa shivered alongside Alex. The waiter was hitting on them? "Are you ready to order?" He didn't wink this time, but Marissa was sure she could spot his eyes wandering over her body. _This is going to be fun, a whole night of him._ She rolled her eyes, receiving a small chuckle from Alex. Alex obviously noticed the guy's feeble attempts not to ogle her goodies as well. At least she wasn't alone.

"Well, I would like a Greek salad, and for you to stop checking me out! I'm here with my girlfriend, and you're going to make her jealous." Marissa smoothly stated.

"I would like the soup of the day and for you to stop eying my girl and get our order in, thank you." Alex added, sending Randolpho trotting off. Marissa smirked at her girlfriend. Alex always knew how to shake a man. Marissa used to know too, but she'd forgotten. Being stuck in the house most of the week with a silent girlfriend, she had little use for shaking a man of let alone talking, and it damaged her. The lack of words had stolen her ability to hold up a conversation let alone shake off a perverted man, or, in this case, waiter.

"God, if I had known you were taking me to a restaurant where you were going to be stolen away, I would have made a bigger effort to not come her." Alex joked. Marissa sighed. Well Alex hadn't changed. She still knew how to talk, yet she was the one who did the least talk out of the two. Marissa didn't get it. Did Alex have a second life where she talked? Was there something Alex was hiding? "Are you going to talk, or am I going to have to do all the talking?" Marissa sighed. Alex was right. She had to talk. She couldn't be silent all night.

"Sorry, I didn't know idiots worked at five star restaurants." Marissa's eyes twinkled in the light of the candle. Words were slowly coming to her, filling in blanks, forming sentences. She would be able to hold up a conversation in no time; she knew it. She knew, somehow, the words; the ideas were going to come at any second. That in the next few moments she was going to know how to talk. She was going to have those questions back in her mind. She was going to have a voice. "So, mind if I ask, why don't you talk at home?"


	4. Chapter 4

"It's just that it's—Seth!"

"Seth?"

"Seth!" Randolpho butted into their 'Seth' moment with his word and their food. Marissa forced herself not to roll her eyes and focus on Alex who had responded with Seth. She never got Alex after they arrived in Canada, but calling out Seth's name as her answer was not something she expected to hear. She expected to hear something about not wanting to talk about it or at least a real answer. Marissa sighed, noticing Alex's eyes angled towards the door. She did the same, nearly falling back when she saw her best friend and the all but famous Seth Cohen.

"Oh my God, Summer! What are you doing here?" Marissa jumped out of her seat, throwing her arms around her best friend. "Are you stalking me?" She asked pulling back, holding Summer's hands. Her eyes immediately fell to a ring on her left hand. She didn't believe what she was seeing. Was Summer really wearing a ring on her left ring finger? She blinked and then planted her eyes on Seth left hand. She stepped back spotting the golden ring on his ring finger. "Y-Your rings…" She stuttered.

"Oh… We're engaged!" Summer bounced up and down. Marissa clapped her hands together a huge smile lighting her face, yet deep inside she couldn't help but feel a still sorrow in her soul. Deep down a pain tore at her inside. She wanted those rings to be on her and Alex's fingers. She wanted to be the one celebrating her engagement. She wanted to be part of that happy couple look, everyone with smiles on their faces. Why couldn't they be more like that? Her and Alex, why couldn't they be more like Seth and Summer? She sighed. "Isn't it great?"

"You know, Alex," Seth tightened his imaginary bow tie. "Since we're getting married do you want be the best man or just another bride's maid? Cause you know… I realized I didn't have any real 'guy' friend, so I figure hey, Alex dates girls. Why not her?" Alex smacked his arm playfully. Marissa smiled. Though there was no smile on Alex's lips, she could see Alex was happy. For the first time, her Alex, her sad, solemn Alex was happy. She should have thought of it earlier. Who's funnier then Seth? "So what's it gonna be? All lovable, cute Seth, or cold, rage-blackout Summer?"

"Cohen!" Summer threw her purse at him. Marissa snickered, peering over at Alex. There was a look of amusement on her face, but the smile wasn't there. "Don't mind him, he's a jerk, we're going now…" Summer grunted, pulling Seth by the ear. Marissa rolled her eyes simultaneously with Alex. "We'll let you two have a nice date!" The shorter brunette chirped, before taking their given seats. Marissa sighed, still the same Summer, taking charge when Seth got out of control. Sitting back down, Marissa fingered her fork.

The fork sifted through the mess of green leaves, cheese, and assorted veggies, not once pouncing on a piece. Marissa sighed. Somewhere in the mess her appetite had left. She couldn't even think of eating._ Coop, even if Alex was happy, you'd never get married that quickly._ She reminded herself. Still her thoughts traveled to that area. They wouldn't leave the idea alone. She gnawed on her lip, her eyes flashing over to Seth and Summer. She wasn't surprised to see them whispering at each other, but the fact that their eyes were angled towards her made her wobble in her chair. It was like they were talking about her, stalking her.

"That's silly…" She mumbled to herself, bringing her eyes back to the blonde in front of her. Alex too was playing around with her food, dragging her spoon around in circles. "Looks like we're both not in the mood for eating," Marissa smiled. Alex glanced into Marissa's eyes. The brunette groaned. Alex still had that blank glare she'd seen every day. She wished it would change, that Alex would make it easy for once. She wished she could bring life to Alex's eyes. If only wishing worked. If only a miracle would happen. But she knew a miracle would never happen. It would be that easy, but if only it was.

"Yeah, you want to just get out of here?" Alex asked, dropping her spoon into the red liquid. Marissa nodded, waving Randolpho over.

"Yes madam?" he questioned her chest.

"Eyes up here please! Could we have the bill…?" She growled, crossing her arms. He simply nodded and walked off. "Guess where we're going next?" She gulped. Did she really ask that? It was so babyish. Alex probably thought that she was still a little kid. Her eyes studied the floor. Why did she care what Alex thought? They were already together. They knew each other. So why did Alex's thoughts bother her so much now? Why did something so foolish make her question her relationship with Alex? Were they really that broken that a little think could make her worry? Marissa shook her head. Their relationship wasn't that bad. It was rocky, but it was lasting. And it was definitely strong enough for foolish questions.

"Um… I don't know…. You tell me." Alex rolled her eyes, causing Marissa's stomach to clench. Alex did think of her as foolish. She was a baby in Alex's eyes. Marissa kicked herself under the table. She had to remember her mission. It didn't matter what Alex thought. She had to make the blonde smile. She had to make her girlfriend happy. And if that made her uneasy, then be it. She was going to fight through her thoughts, and do everything she can for Alex. She was going to be strong.

"A carnival," she clapped her hands together. She moaned. There was no reaction, just a simple nod. Alex didn't care. _What will make her care?_ "I rented it out. It'll be just the two of us." She informed the girl, fingering her father's –Bullet– credit card.


	5. Chapter 5

The carnival lit the dark night with sundry colors. The rides lay motionless, the games, forgotten, and the workers, snoring with the boredom of five workless hours. It was an unusual sight, and although Marissa had planned for this, she was taken back by the scene. Everything was silent, like a horror film. She stole Alex's hands, a subtle fear bubbling in her eyes. She could've sworn Alex snickered a bit, but she couldn't be sure, so she scraped the thought from her mind. Though the way Alex's hand was covering her mouth was making her think. Sighing, she cleared her mind, focusing on Alex, the carnival, and her plan.

"What do you want to do first?" She asked, secretly wanting the answer to her previous question. The blonde gazed up at her. Marissa smiled. She didn't care how emotionless her eyes were, or how she would barely smile, not anymore at least. All that mattered now was that she was with Alex, and Alex was talking. It wasn't much, but it was enough for her to smile. 

"Well, this is kind of sad," Alex gnawed on her lip. "But I'm hungry." She rubbed her stomach, though a nervous glint still shimmered in her eyes. Marissa giggled, kissing Alex on the cheek. Her lips pulled back, a salty tang stinging them. She wiped the tear of Alex's cheek with her thumb, kissing others. "I'm sorry." She broke down, sobbing, head hung low. Marissa didn't know what to do. Well, she knew what to do, but she didn't know how to handle Alex after she stopped the tears. Hell, she didn't know why Alex was even crying.

"Sh, don't cry… You have nothing to be sorry for," she kissed into her girlfriend's ear. Marissa hobbled over to a near by bench, clutching Alex tighter with each step. She cradled the girl, kissing away tears. She hated herself for the sick twinge of happiness that was pumping through her veins. She had never seen Alex cry after the shooting. Seeing her crying now felt like a sick wave of relief, Alex was expressing her feelings. "Baby, please don't cry." She kissed a tear off her cheek.

"I… Your… You're too nice. After everything I've put you through… Everything… You stayed with me. You loved me…" She coughed, burying her head in Marissa's shoulder. Marissa took a sharp breath in. Why would Alex even think she'd leave her? She'd never leave Alex. "You never gave up…" Marissa twirled a piece of blonde hair between her fingers, softly hushing the girl. It hurt her to hear this, to find out how insecure Alex was, to find out that Alex was scared she would leave all this time.

"Baby, what made you ever think that I would leave you? I love you. I don't know if I could ever stop loving you." She took Alex's face in her hands, pulling it up so their eyes met. Stroking the tears off the blonde's face, she leaned down and kissed the girl. "Baby, I love you, so please, just stop crying." She could feel tears of her own swelling in the back of her throat. She had to hold them back. She couldn't break down. She had to stay strong and be there for Alex. "Baby, please, don't cry, there's no need to… I love you." She rested her forehead on Alex's.

"I'm sorry…. I'm sorry I ever thought that…." Alex clutched Marissa closer. "I love you too…" She pulled back, kissing her girlfriend softly on the lips. Marissa smiled, swiping a few tears away from her own eyes. She couldn't help but give out a nervous laugh. She didn't know what to do. Alex's tears were slowly subsiding while hers were just coming._ Coop, stay calm, don't cry…_ She gulped down the second bout of tears, making sure to make no sound.

"Unless you're still hungry, want to hit the rides. I could use some fun right about now." Marissa stood, tugging Alex up with her. Alex wiped the last of her tears from her eyes, a weak smile trembling on her lips. "You're… You're smiling!" Marissa squealed. She did it. She got Alex to smile. She got Alex -the girl who hasn't smiled in months- to smile, but that wasn't enough. That smile was weak and feeble. It was a start, but she wanted Alex to smile with a full, confident smile. She wanted Alex to smile a real smile. Alex stifled a laugh, entangling her hand with Marissa's.

"Rides it is…" The smile slowly faded as Alex saw the ride she was standing in front of. The Ferris Wheel. She gulped. Marissa studied the blonde's expression and laughed.

"Don't tell me you're scared of heights." Marissa gripped Alex's hand, giggling. As she waited for an answer, the brunette gazed at the fence. The Ferris Wheel was something she always did with… She shook the though from her head. This was an Alex-Marissa moment, date, not a Ryan-Marissa. There was no more Ryan. _C'mon Coop, snap out of it._ She returned to Alex. Scampering over hand in hand, the two girls plopped down on an orange seat.

"No, but the real question is, are you?" Alex pulled the safety bar down. Marissa laughed and playfully punched the girl on the shoulder. The old Alex was coming back, and it was all because of her, because she was the hero. She saved the day. The creaking bench swung back and forth as the wheel began to rotate. Marissa sighed, an odd noise catching her ears.

"Was that Summer?" She muttered, gazing over the forest area. There was nothing, but she could swear she heard Summer. Forgetting about it, Marissa stretched her arm across Alex's shoulders, bringing her close against her chest. She bit her lip, leaned down, and captured Alex's lips. She quickly pulled back hearing a familiar voice yelling loudly. "Okay, that was definitely Seth!" She looked around.

"Seth!" Alex yelled out, clutching a tight fist.


	6. Chapter 6

At that moment the ride came to a halt, leaving the two girls at the highest point of the ride. Marissa's stomach did a three-sixty. This wasn't the plan. Why was this happening? Marissa gulped. It wasn't that she hated heights. It was what had happened on Ferris Wheels in the past that got to her. She shivered, a memory hitting her full on, a memory of her and Ryan. It caught her off guard, sending her into a moment of shock, and she couldn't get out. All she saw was Ryan's face. She was stuck.

"Marissa, you okay?" Alex put a hand on the brunette's shoulder, her cerulean eyes catching a wisp of worry. Marissa choked down the memory, waking up to the real world. She nodded to Alex, gazing towards the ground to see if she could catch her friends. Not finding them, she turned to Alex, shifting so her entire body was facing Alex. There was nothing more that she wanted to do but crawl into Alex's lap, but the bench was too small. She'd fall off.

Marissa managed to find a way to snuggle into Alex, leaning her head on the blonde's shoulder. She took a deep breath in, settling her nerves for the moment. She didn't want to ruin the date. She wanted to make it the best date ever. But memories of Asswood weren't going to help her. The only one that was going to help her was her, and no one else. She was going to be the hero. She wasn't going to cry, freeze, or run at the sight of fear. She was going to stand strong and fight. She wasn't about to let something so stupid get in her way.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied, kissing Alex on the cheek. "Are you?" Marissa didn't wait for an answer, capturing Alex's lips with hers. She pressed her self against Alex, forgetting herself, indulging herself in Alex. She didn't want to think about anything else, just her and Alex. And this was how she was going to do it, by preoccupying herself with someone else.

The second their lips connected the ride began to slowly pick up speed, causing a smile to light up Marissa's face. They were coming down. As the cart moved at its average pace, the taller girl deepened the kiss, forcing as much passion as possible into the kiss. Alex returned the passion with what seemed an impossible amount of force, surpassing Marissa's by a mile. The brunette let her hands wander up Alex's shirt, massaging her stomach. She loved the feeling of Alex's soft flesh under need her hands. It felt amazing. More than amazing, it felt perfect.

She let her mouth leave Alex's lips, kissing a line across her jaw and down her neck. She couldn't get enough of Alex. She just wanted more. She wanted to feel Alex's naked body against her naked body, to kiss every inch of available skin. Scratch the wanted crap; she needed to feel, kiss every inch of skin. Her hands crept further up Alex's torso, resting on the round of her breast. This triggered a moan to arise from the blonde's throat, leading to a moan of her own.

"Achem…" Marissa reluctantly pulled back, hearing the ride operator. "The rides over miss," the man raised an eyebrow. She smirked, grabbing her girlfriend with her. She didn't know why but suddenly everything felt better, like the tension between them had disappeared, like they were free. She loved the feeling.

"So… if you don't mind… the question I asked you in the restaurant… could you answer it?" Marissa sat down on bench, patting a spot beside you. "That is if you don't mind," she didn't know what else to do. The rides didn't look appealing anymore, and she didn't want to eat. The only that looked appealing was an answer. That answer. The one she never got. The answer Seth just had to ruin. Marissa studied Alex's face for a second, the silence presenting her with a gift filled with anxiety.

"I… I… I haven't been talking… talking… when I try… I see him… Standing next to you, watching you… like… like I'm doing something wrong…" tears caught in her throat, causing the words to come out more like coughs then a sentence. Marissa embraced the sobbing girl, stroking her hair softly. All of the sudden a wave of guilt hit her. She shouldn't have asked. She shouldn't have been curious.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have asked," she soothed, feeling a tear drip down her cheek. She quickly wiped them away, determined to give her full focus to Alex and not to her own tears. She couldn't be self centered and let her own feelings get in the way. "Don't cry," she kissed Alex on the head, softly rocking the fragile girl.

"I'll try not to," the blonde sniffled. Marissa sighed, softly removing a few strands of hair. She knew that wasn't true. She could see the tears holding weakly to Alex's eyes, ready to fall any second. She didn't want to see those tears fall. If those tears held strong, then maybe she'd make a break through. Then maybe the tears would never fall again that night. She kissed them away, trying her hardest to make them disappear. "I…" Marissa put a finger to Alex's mouth.

"Just don't cry," she kissed the girl's forehead. Marissa cradled Alex, not even thinking once about letting her go, even if was just to change position. She couldn't take the thought of Alex leaving, and the only way to assuage those thoughts was to hold on to Alex as tight as she could. So that was what she did. She clung to the blonde like her life depended on it, waiting for the sobbing to subside. "Don't cry," she pleaded, kissing the girl's face all over. 

"Ok…" Alex whispered, taking Marissa's lips with her own. "Just as long… as we… can… leave," she said between kisses, her eyes still blurry from tears, but they were leaving. Marissa could see them retracting.


	7. Chapter 7

The beach sparkled in the moonlight, its ocean embellishing it with white foam. The air whistled through the night, its aroma a mix of the ocean, love and tears. Marissa smiled in her thoughts. She hadn't been to the beach in such a long time. She had forgotten how beautiful something so simple could be. It was weird. She had remembered the beach, but now it was like she hadn't seen one in her life, like it was her first time at the beach. She arched her head back, permitting the moon's beams to dance across her cheeks.

She had always loved the feeling of the ocean breeze nipping at her skin. She didn't know why. Most people hated it, the cold everything about it. But to Marissa, it was the best feeling. She smiled at the sky, her gaze reverting to the sandy shore. It didn't look anything like the beach in Newport. There wasn't a lifeguard shack, or left over flyers from the latest surf contest. There wasn't even trash carelessly left to be engulfed by the waves. She adored how clean it was; though at the same time, she didn't. The trashy, surf beach had always been her thing. Being at a clean, untouched beach was just different.

Marissa closed her eyes, took a deep breath and opened them, the split second her vision returned her feet left the ground. She bolted onto the beach, twirling in circles until she collapsed onto her butt. Alex followed close behind, plopping down in the empty spot that was calling to her. Marissa smiled, resting her head on Alex's shoulder.

"You remember our first date?" the brunette spoke after a few minutes of silence. There was a still, unsettling silence. _She didn't forget… did she?_ Marissa bit her lip. She couldn't help but feel a pang in her heart. Normally at the ocean, that pang wouldn't have appeared. She wouldn't have felt it. The ocean masked all pains she had. The ocean was pure happiness. But somehow Alex's forgetting their first date had broken through. It had found a way to hurt her, found a way to get passed the beach's barrier. The idea buried into her head. If the thought of Alex forgetting something that happened years go could get through, what else could?

"Sorry, I forgot how beautiful the beach was," the blonde said, her eyes gazing off at the ocean. Marissa sighed. "Of course I remember. How could I not? It was at the beach after your horrible evening with your mom. I brought you out to the beach, and we watched the tides changed. And then we kissed," at that Alex stole a kiss from Marissa. Marissa relished the taste of Alex. She didn't know one better taste. And now that she knew Alex remembered, the kiss tasted even better. 

Marissa raised her hand to Alex's cheek, slowly dancing them to behind Alex's head. She pulled Alex closer, deepening the kiss. It was the most contact the two of them had in a long time –the amusement park didn't count. She wanted to treasure it, never let it go; to bad to need for oxygen was crawling up her throat. Oxygen always ruined a moment. She sighed. Whoever thought of oxygen had to be idiotic. Barely removing her mouth, Marissa took a small breath in before bestowing kisses down Alex's jaw line.

"Ah, Marissa…" Alex moaned. Marissa giggled. She loved what she could do to Alex. How she could make the blonde moan with a simple kiss. It was almost mesmerizing. It had been what, months, years she had been with Alex, and yet she still had the same affect. She could still make the girl moan with one kiss after everything that had happened, even after Alex had pulled away. It amazed her. Maybe there love was that strong. Maybe they could last forever.

She smiled, pulling away from Alex. She embraced the girl, pulling her well-muscled girlfriend into her lap. She never wanted to let go. She just wanted to stay put and bask in Alex's presence. Alex seemed to have the same idea, becoming limp in her arms. Marissa shivered, the ocean breeze picking up speed and dropping in temperature. The beach in Newport never got this cold, not even in the night. She didn't know what to do. Should she ditch the beach and head home? Or should she try to force her and Alex through it? She couldn't decide. There was after all a blanket in the trunk if they needed it.

Alex didn't mind, or that was what Marissa thought, seeing as Alex wasn't complaining. She was getting chilly though. She didn't want to leave Alex's comfort thought. Even if it was for one mere second, minute at the longest, she didn't want to leave. What if she left and Alex wasn't there? Then what? What would happen? She'd have to go find her, which meant she'd first lost her. She shuddered at the thought of losing Alex. _Guess I'll have to deal with the cold._

"You look cold," Alex shifted so she was facing Marissa. The brunette nodded softly, but tried not to exaggerate it. Her being cold was nothing of importance. The date was the only thing in her mind with importance. She just hoped the cold wouldn't wreck it. "I know there's a blanket in the trunk, you should go get it. I promise I'll be here when you get back," Alex smirked, letting Marissa's hands go. Marissa fought over the dilemma once again, finally choosing the reasonable answer. Get the blanket.

Marissa kissed Alex on her cheek and got up. She wasn't sure if she could trust Alex to stay but the cold was getting to her. Alex was right. She shouldn't wait to get a blanket. She shouldn't even worry that Alex would get up and leave. If Alex was going to leave, she would have left already. There was no reason to be nervous. She unlocked the trunk and grabbed the blanket with one swift movement, making sure to be as quick as possible. She didn't want to keep Alex waiting.

Sprinting back to the beach, Marissa stopped right in her tracts. Her eyes flashed open. Her hands clenched. Her heart stopped. The beach was empty. Alex was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Marissa wanted more than ever to topple to her knees and scream, to express her current state of mind. But everything told her she couldn't. She had to act fast. She had to find Alex. She didn't have time to. Marissa bolted off towards the closest sign of civilization, a small shack-like bar called The Cat Club. Alex had to be there. She just had to. Marissa was sure of it. She always remembered that Alex drank away her problems. A bar was a perfect hide out. Marissa screamed out as she ran, the cold chill burning her lungs.

Huffing, she thanked the lord the bar was close. She never was a good runner only when something as drastic as this compelled her to run. Nothing else could make her run. Parking herself in front of the door, a furious yet worried Marissa tore it open, and barged inside. She ignored the noise. It didn't matter. Finding Alex was the only thing that mattered. She had to. She just had to. She couldn't imagine a life without Alex without the blonde who had stolen her heart. How could she live without Alex?

Eyeing the bar, she realized it was not a bar at all. In fact it resembled a strip club. Marissa gulped. Why was she here again? She didn't know Alex to be a fan of strip clubs. Alex preferred to stay at home and watch her. Still, she had to look everywhere. She could doubt a place because normal Alex wouldn't be there. This was upset, unstable Alex she was looking for. This Alex could be found anywhere. She couldn't think like old Alex. Marissa bit her lip, entering the treacherous depth of the boisterous crowd.

"Alex…" she cried out over and over again. She wasn't going to stop any time soon. She was going to call out her lover's name over and over again until she was in her arms. She didn't care if she lost her voice. It didn't matter. She'd post signs, punch people, anything she could to get Alex back. Anything. "Alex…" she knew all too well her voice wasn't audible, but she had to keep trying. Maybe by some chance Alex could hear her. Then she could possibly find her. She would be the hero. For once in her life, she would be the hero. Now all she had to do was find her. All she had to do was find one girl in a crowd of over fifty girls and fifty boys.

She checked every crevasse, the only thing standing out to her, a freshly blood-splattered bathroom. It had scared her at first when she opened the door and went to the sink only to find half of a razorblade and a pool of blood filling the sink. She had thought murder. But now, sitting on the porch, she realized it was all too reasonable. Some slut probably was in pain, cutting. She was stupid to even think a murder, to think Alex had been killed in such a short period of time. Sighing, Marissa gave up on the place, galloping into the distance.

"Wait!" a voice called out. Marissa halted in her tracts. The voice was all too familiar. She'd heard it before but where? Where had she heard it before? Turning around, Marissa stumbled back. Was that who she thought it was? "I know where she is," it couldn't be her. Could it? She hadn't seen her since forever, longer than forever if that was possible. "Alex Kelly, right? She's in my office," the girl continued to speak. Marissa nodded, her eyes swirling with curiosity. Where did she know this girl? Where?

"… Jodie!" she shouted realizing where she had seen the brunette before. This was Alex's ex. "Where is she?" Marissa cried, running up to the brunette. Without words Jodie led Marissa to her office. This definitely was not the Jodie she remembered. This Jodie was different. She wasn't peppy. She wasn't full of herself, or jealous. She didn't even seem to have sex on her mind. She was calm, like she knew everything there was to know. She acted as if the small things didn't matter, like the old Alex when she worked at The Bait Shop. "Here, I'll be back," Jodie's voice woke Marissa out of her thoughts, revealing the two girls standing before a door way. Marissa silently thanked her and ran in.

"Alex, I was so worried!" she ran in to find a blood covered Alex. "What, what happened?" as she spoke, Alex's clenched hand opened, releasing a small, ragged blade. The razorblade the brunette had found in the bathroom. She tried to speak, to make a noise, but Marissa couldn't. The shock, the disbelief had consumed her. She could only whimper inside her head, taking in as much information as she could. Alex had cut herself. Alex, her Alex had cut herself on purpose._ Alex how?_ Marissa finally shook the shock off, bolting of to Alex's side. "Where? Where'd you do it? Why?" 

Alex didn't answer. Marissa gulped and began her search, which quickly ended when she found a blood soaked shirt. She slid the shirt up to reveal thousands of faded red marks contrasted with fresh, blood-red marks. There were so many, so many small cuts in random patterns. Marissa was sure she couldn't have cut this much in the time she had been lost. The faded ones had to be at least a few months old. She slid her fingers over the faded ones, earning a flinch from Alex.

"Baby, when did you…" before she could she realized Alex's breathing was shallow, almost non-existent. Alex was dying. She had to be. No one's breath was that shallow and lifeless. Marissa raised her fingers to Alex's neck, not finding a pulse. _Shit._ She didn't know what to do. She couldn't leave Alex to call the police. What happened if Alex got worse? What if she stopped breathing completely? She could do nothing. "Jodie! Call 911! Fast!"


	9. Chapter 9

A loud beep rang through the small room, its rhythm uneven and bumpy. Marissa sat at Alex's side, tears escaping her eyes. She couldn't believe she let Alex do that in their home, under her supervision. She let her cut. She should've known. The signs were all there. The constant trips to the bathroom, how protective she was of her stomach, it all pointed to cutting. Clenching her fists, Marissa cursed. How did she let this happen? She was supposed to protect Alex, like a good girlfriend would, not allow self-mutilation. She wasn't supposed to see her girlfriend lying in a hospital bed, holding on for dear life. She was supposed to be the hero. She was supposed to be the hero… What kind of hero was she?

Marissa grasped Alex's hand. She wanted to speak, talk to Alex, tell her everything was okay, but she knew everything wasn't okay. She knew Alex had a slim chance of living, and all because she couldn't prevent it even with obvious clues. Alex was going to die because she couldn't rise to the name 'hero,' because she couldn't save her. The door slid open, another presence entering the room. Marissa didn't notice, too consumed in her own thoughts._ Maybe it wasn't meant to be._ She wiped a tear from her eye.

"Here, I think you might want to see this," Jodie took a seat next to Marisa, fishing a note from her pocket. "Alex had it when she came in," the shorter girl handed the note over. Marissa unfolded it, staring at it for a few moments. It was a collage of cut up magazine letters combined into a sentence. _I'll make you pay… Sincerely, Your Secret Stalker._ Marissa read it over and over again. What did it mean? She gulped. Who would send such a thing? Her mouth tensed as she refolded the note, her head bowed low. How could she let this happen? If she had only fought and stayed with Alex, she could've prevented all of this from happening. She could've stopped Alex from cutting herself. For the first time, she could've been the hero. Instead, she just helped the villain. She gave the villain the chance to strike; then, she just had to let the villain escape.

"This is all my fault, everything," Marissa whimpered, a few for tears splashing onto the tile floor. "If I, if I hadn't suggested trying again, none of this would have happened," she wasn't specifically talking to Jodie but more to herself, to Alex. She had to hear it out loud. She had to hear herself speak to know she was still alive, to know she didn't die with Alex. To know she was living without Alex, because to her, it felt like she was dying, dying of blame. "If I had let Ryan take me…" she bit her lip, closing her red eyes. "If…"

"Hush," Jodie wrapped her arms around the shaking girl. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented this if you didn't know," Marissa, even though her self-blame, couldn't believe what she was hearing, Jodie being nice. It almost shocked her out of her sorrow. "You want you tell me what happened? It might help," Jodie soothed the girl, rubbing small circles in her back. Marissa nodded. She didn't speak though. She stayed silent, contemplating with herself on whether she should or shouldn't tell Jodie. Half of her wanted to spill her life but he other half was scared to. It was scared Jodie would reject her.

"After, after Alex and I got her things from your place," she gripped her heart necklace tightly. "We started dating. Everything was great until I started working on the bonfire with Ryan. She got jealous of Ryan. She couldn't take it and, and dumped me," she eyed the comatose blonde. It had been so long ago that happened yet it seemed just yesterday. "This past year I got expelled from Harbor. I went to Newport Union," tears rolled down her red, tear plastered cheeks. "I met up with Alex again. We started dating. Ryan didn't like that." She could still see Ryan's face. The way he looked at her when he found out about her and Alex. The pure hate he had in his eyes, then his lifeless eyes when he had died. "He stole me from Alex. He had a gun," her eyes studied the floor. "He tried… Alex… Shot… Killed…" she sobbed, leaning further into Jodie's embraces. "Alex killed him for me. We moved here… she became less friendly…"

Marissa cried harder now, shaking with greater force. She could see every scene of the past year clearly now. Every image of her past flashed in front of her, every mistake, every wrong, playing over and over in her head. It was horrible, like a movie where she couldn't hit the stop button. Marissa's eyes became blank, her mouth settled in a flat line, and her body stopped shaking. For a second, she went pale, emotionless. Ryan had raped her. He had. She… She had passed out. It was all coming to her. "No…"

"Hush… I know, everything going to be fine. All that's in the past, Ryan can't get you. He's dead. He can't rape you," Jodie soothed. Marissa's eyes widened. She hadn't told Jodie about that. She hadn't even known until now that Ryan had raped her. How did Jodie know? Marissa pulled away from Jodie's hold, her once forming trust, diminishing by the second. The fact that Jodie knew about her past scared the shit out of her.

"How did… I never… He…I…" she couldn't find the right words, her confusion stealing her mind. Jodie refused to look at her, her eyes dropping to the floor. Holding in the urge to punch Jodie, Marissa gritted her teeth. She hated that Jodie couldn't answer her, that Jodie couldn't even look her in the eye. In her mind it could only mean one of two things. Either Alex had been seeing her behind her back, or she was their secret stalker. And she didn't like either one. "How'd you know?" she managed to find the right words. Jodie looked at her.

"Do you know why you moved her?" Jodie asked with a stern countenance. Marissa blinked. What did that have to do with anything?

"Answer my question!" she barked.

"Answer mine first…"

"No," she stated furious by Jodie's attitude. All she wanted was to get the real answer.

"It was so she could confide in me…"


	10. Chapter 10

She couldn't believe what Jodie had just told her. It all felt too surreal. Everything she had just heard. How did she walk around all those months without knowing? Why didn't Alex confide in her? Why in Jodie? She raked her fingers over her face. Did Alex not trust her? She gulped. The only thing that answered her question was that their relationship truly was falling apart. They weren't meant to be after all. There wasn't going to be 'Alex and Marissa together forever.' It wouldn't be forever. They wouldn't be forever.

Marissa glared at Jodie, trying to find the answer in her eyes, but when she looked, all she could see was sincerity and a sister-like love, as if she wasn't tearing their relationship apart. Marissa frowned. Was Jodie really that heartless not to care about breaking a relationship up? Could a person really be that heartless? Could a girl be that heartless? She didn't know. But if Jodie really didn't care, the answer was a big, fat 'yes,' a 'yes' that killed her from the inside out.

"It's not what you think," Jodie spoke up. "She didn't want to put all the pressure of her pain on your shoulders. Not after what you went through," she eyed the blonde. Marissa blinked, her caustic mind settling down, her questions answered. It was a huge breath of fresh air. 'Alex and Marissa' might just survive. They would survive. It could be forever. "She loves you, Marissa. She thinks you're the one," Jodie smirked, her eyes directed at the blonde. At that moment, two familiar and one unfamiliar face barged through the door. "Summer, Seth…." Jodie smirked. "And you are?"

"Taylor Townsend, and you?" the brunette bubbled, almost jumping off the ground. Marissa examined the girl. She had seen her around school, but she couldn't pick why she seemed so familiar. It wasn't like they were friends or anything. But it seemed like she knew her some how. Marissa bit her lip, dropping the thought. She had to keep her focus on Alex, not the new girl. No matter how annoying she got.

"Jodie, and this is Marissa--"

"…Alex's girlfriend! I know... I mean…I… They were talking about it in the car. Didn't mean to look like a stalker or anything, not like I'd stalk you or anything, because I don't stalk people," Taylor ramble, gaining odd looks from Jodie and Marissa. "She killed Ryan, right?" she was all bubbly, yet Marissa could see a deep hate in her eyes. One she had seen in Ryan's eyes that night, but this time the hate wasn't directed at her but at Alex. Marissa shivered, removing her eyes from the new girl, replacing them back onto the blonde. She put her whole body into her wish, trying her hardest to bring her girlfriend out of the coma. She knew it was impossible, only degreed doctors could bring some one out of a come. Will and hope helped. But they weren't strong enough on their own.

"I want her to leave," Marissa stated, not caring to peal her eyes away and look at Taylor. Taylor didn't move. "I said I want you to leave!" she growled. She had a bad feeling about this girl. She didn't settle with her.

"I don't have to leave. You're not the boss of me. And since I'm with a friend, there's no rule against me. If the doctor wants out, then I'll leave," Taylor countered. Marissa glared at Taylor, her hand forming a fist. How could this stranger be so cruel to talk to her like that? She was in her girlfriend's hospital room. She didn't even know Alex. She technically had no right being here if it wasn't for Seth and Summer.

"You don't even know Alex. You're not a friend, nor a relative. You have no right to tell me that your not gonna leave? I'm Alex's girlfriend. I have the right to decide who's allowed in this room, and I want you to leave!" Marissa shouted, standing up so she towered over the girl. If she couldn't ask the girl to leave, she was going to scare her out. Taylor backed up, waved her hands in surrender, and bounded out of the room. Marissa sighed, plopping onto her chair. She bowed her head, hiding the tears now sliding down her cheeks. She couldn't take everything once. First the note, then the realization and now the Taylor, it was all too much.

"Marissa, honey, are you okay?" Summer scurried over to the taller girl, wrapping her arms around the fragile girl. Marissa gazed up at Summer, burying her head in the shorter girl's shoulder a few seconds later. She couldn't believe she was breaking down in front of everyone. She always tried to hide her tears from Seth. She rarely showed them to Summer. And to top it off, she was crying in front of Jodie, a girl she used to despise. She didn't even know what to think of Jodie now. Was she an enemy or not? It didn't matter. She was still crying her eyes out right in front of her. "Marissa, talk, please," Summer rubbed circles over the girl's back.

"Summer, did… did you know?" she coughed out, not bothering to look her friend in the eye. Why should she? Her mascara was probably smeared. She probably looked a mess. There was no reason they had to see her like that, such a mess. "Answer me!" she sobbed louder, clenching Summer's sweat shirt as tight as she could.

"About what?" Summer questioned. Marissa didn't say anything. She didn't want to repeat it. She wanted to avoid it at all cost after she got her answer. "Marissa, te—"

"She wants to know if you know that Ryan had raped her," Jodie answered for the taller girl. Marissa couldn't help but nod a shy thank you to Jodie. Jodie was turning out to be a good guy after all. She smirked. She had someone close by she could trust.


	11. Chapter 11

Summer gazed at Jodie for a split second, making Marissa shiver. Marissa didn't know what to do. Being able to read her best friend like a book, she could already tell that Summer knew. It hurt. Why didn't anyone tell her? Why was she the only one who didn't know? She had been so clueless, so dumb. She should have known. Marissa frowned. Was that part of the reason Alex had be avoiding her? Because Ryan had been inside her? She gazed at Alex. She wished Alex was awake. Not only because she loved Alex, but she wanted answers too. Answer only Alex had. Answers she wanted.

If that didn't kill her, the fact that she could've been pregnant back then and not have known why would. What if they hadn't told her and she had gotten pregnant? She would have a baby and Alex to worry about. And one of them wouldn't be wanted. Sure she wanted a kid eventually, but not at her age, not with a suicidal Alex. But still, what would've happened? Would a baby have stopped Alex's change? Or would it have sped up the process? She couldn't stop questioning herself, pouring question after question into her mind where they would rarely leave.

Marissa's eyes widened as she eyed Alex's hand move, all of her previous thoughts disappearing to the back of her mind. Alex was waking up. Alex was coming back to the real world. She couldn't believe it. The doctors had said months, maybe years, and it had only been a day or so, maybe less. It was a miracle. She opened her mouth wide to announce Alex's awakening, but no words came out. She was mute, but it was a good type a mute, a happy mute. It was that type of mute she had first gotten when she saw Alex for the first time, when she and Alex shared their first kiss. It took her breath away. Her wishes had worked. Her hand flew up to her mouth, tears of joy spilling out of her eyes.

"Alex, you're awake!" she managed to find her voice, stealing her hand. She didn't even recall moving over to Alex side. "Baby, you're awake," she sobbed, bringing the girl's hand to her mouth. Everything she had previously filled her mind left. Her mind, her thoughts, they all ran out of her body. The only thing running through her form was blood and Alex. She kissed the girls hand once more. She couldn't believe that Alex was actually awake. It was all too happy. For the past months, everything that had happened to her always turned out bad. But now, now it was turning out good, or at least somewhat good. With her free hand, she wiped a few tears from her eyes, a bright smile lighting her face. 

"Marissa…" Alex breathed out, her voice fragile. Marissa poured her attention onto Alex, not missing one breath. At this moment, she could be a heart monitor she was so focused, taking in anything about Alex that changed. There wasn't anything she was missing. If Alex moved, she was the first to notice it. If she stopped breathing, even for a second, she noticed it. "I love you," Alex managed a weak smile that lit not only her lips but her eyes. It was a true smile. The smile Marissa had longed to see for the past few months. Her Alex, the old Alex was coming back. She could tell. Marissa smiled, jaw dropped open, her voice taken away. "Jodie, how did you get here?" Alex looked over at her ex. Marissa smirked. Nothing could bother her right now. Alex was happy, and for now, that was all that mattered.

"I found you in the bathroom a few nights ago, when you cut yourself, don't you remember?" Jodie informed the girl. Alex shook her head no. Marissa bit her lip.

"I thought you moved to Canada. What are you doing in Newport?" Marissa nearly collapsed to the ground in shock. Alex didn't remember anything about moving to Canada. Marissa gulped. What did Alex remember? Marissa sighed. She had never once thought that Alex would loose her memory from that. It wasn't like she had hit her head. "I am in Newport, right?" Alex spoke up, the unsettling silence getting to her. Marissa couldn't answer. She wanted to, but the shock was too much. It consumed her. She was going to have to tell Alex what happened.

"You're in Canada, baby. We moved here a few months ago," Marissa finally found her voice after a couple minutes. She couldn't believe Alex didn't remember. Still, somehow, it made her happy. Alex's eyes grew wide. "Alex, what's the last thing that you remember?" Marissa was desperate to know. If Alex didn't remember anything, maybe she could get things back to the way it was before Alex shot Ryan. She could have old Alex back. As Alex thought and Marissa worried, Seth, Summer and Jodie slipped out of the room unnoticed, letting the couple have a moment alone. Unknown to anyone, another person entered the room, standing in the corner where no one would notice her. Marissa could feel the presence, but thought nothing of it for the moment, too consumed by Alex.

"I remember the bonfire… and I remember her…" Alex averted her eyes to the girl standing in the corner. Marissa turned to where Alex was looking, only to find a familiar face that she didn't want to see again. "And the beach…. There was a note…" Alex tried her hardest to remember. Marissa wasn't listening though. Since she had received that note from Jodie, she had been thinking about the stalker. Hearing that Alex remembered Taylor was enough to answer her question. She recalled earlier that Taylor had said she had never met Alex, yet Alex had met Taylor. She believed Alex more than Taylor, meaning Taylor was lying. Everything Taylor had said was a lie. "She...gave it to me," Marissa's eyes flashed open. Taylor was the stalker.


	12. Chapter 12

Sry about the long wait XD

----

It had been a month since the hospital, since Alex had awoken, since Alex had lost her memory. With hard-work, Marissa had managed to regain Alex's memory up to when they last started dating, but she had left out the bit about shooting Ryan. She was frightened to face the risk of Alex's reaction. What if Alex relapsed back into her habit of cutting herself? What if she took it the same way she did the last time? She could make herself face the risk. Sure, she had tried. She tried every time she could. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. 

Sighing, Marissa dragged a piece of hair away from Alex's face, being careful not to wake her girlfriend. It was 3 AM. She should be asleep. But lately, these few nights that is, she had been waking up around this time. She couldn't really explain it. She just couldn't get a full night's rest. There was always too much on her mind. She could never settle her thoughts. Her mind was always awake… thinking about Alex. Rolling over so her back was turned to the sleeping blonde, Marissa slid out of bed, only managing to land on the ground. _Great… so now I'm clumsy without alcohol too?_

She rubbed her head as she lifted herself off the ground, a small bruise beginning to form in the middle of her eyebrows. She grumbled a few words. Every night this happened. Whether she was getting up for the bathroom or for a glass of water, she always ended up with a mouthful of carpet. It was like she was drunk 24/7. She hated that feeling. It was like she didn't have control. The way she couldn't control where her body went...the way she didn't have control of her life. She just hated it.

Marissa pulled on her sweats and a shirt, the strong need to run pulsing through her body. It was only a matter of seconds until she had made out the door, a few more bruises scattered across her body. The icy wind bit at her skin its teeth occasionally catching her skin. She didn't mind. In fact, Marissa adored the feeling. She loved the icy- pain. It made her realize why Alex had cut. The pain took everything away. With the pain, she didn't have the constant memories of Ryan flying at her. The memories were blocked for that instant. It almost made her want to start cutting, but she knew she shouldn't. The icy wind was enough.

Smirking, Marissa broke into a sprint, the cool air's teeth growing sharper now invading her lungs. It didn't slow her down. Rather, it drove her to run faster. She wanted the pain to grow. The only way was to run faster. The air would cut deeper into her lungs the faster she ran. She grinned as the pain grew stronger, her pace speeding up with every second. The park was only a few blocks away. She had to make this run count. The more pain she caused the more it counted. The longer the memories stayed away. She only had the run there and back to forget them; then, they all came back.

She hated those memories. Every night they haunted her. She had to fight to keep them away during the day. This wasn't how she pictured life with Alex. She pictured love, care, and happiness. But this? This was the opposite. This was pain and suffering. This was everything she didn't want. This was death at its worst too her.

"How did my life take this path?" she growled, throwing herself onto the grassy field of the local park. The fresh dew cleaned the wind's fresh beating stinging as if soap. Her grin grew wider with the new pain. _Ryan… That's how…_ She answered in her mind. She swore that she'd never say his name aloud again since bad things tended to happen when she did. The last time she did a shelf in the house Alex and she shared broke. And there were a ton of other misfortunes that had happened once his horrid name had been uttered. So many, in fact, she couldn't remember them all. The only thing she knew was that Ryan's name had been mentioned.

Groaning, Marissa wiped her hands over her face, dragging last night's make-up across her cheeks. She closed her eyes, picturing last night. It had been one of the better nights, starting with drinks, ending with sex. There hadn't been the normal fight with Jodie about what Alex should be told or whether or not she and Alex were really dating (Alex still wasn't sure on some nights.) But last night had been different. Alex was quite content with their relationship, and for some unknown reason, Jodie hadn't bugged her about the parts she had left out in Alex's memory. It had been a perfect night. Something she had missed in the past months or so. Normal, non-nerve-breaking outings.

"Thought I'd find you here…" an all too familiar voice rang into her ear. She cringed. Today was starting less than perfect. She already knew it. "Thinking about what to do?"

"I told you Jodie, when the time's right I'll tell her. When I'm ready to take the consequences," Marissa growled, rolling onto her stomach. She knew where this one was going. It would start out pleasant like all the rest but end in a disaster. There were no ways in confronting Jodie without starting a fight. She had learnt that in the past month. "I don't want to hear it Jodie. I came here to be with myself," she raked her fingers through her hair. _If only that would shut Jodie up._

"It would be so much easier if you'd just tell her. You'd get everything off your mind!" Jodie attempted to convince Marissa but was failing miserably. She rambled on for a bit, but the taller girl just drowned it out. She didn't have the patience to listen to it this time. She couldn't. She heard it practically everyday. It made her want to scream.

"I've heard you a thousand time Jodie!" she screamed, jumping to her feet. "I'll do it in my own time, now leave! I can't take this…" she screamed, stumbling backwards. "Leave…" She didn't take time for Jodie's reaction. Instead, Marissa bolted off in the opposite direction, hoping the comfort of seeing Alex could calm her shaking form.


	13. Chapter 13

XD next chapter

----

Nothing helped. She was still as restless as ever. Even seeing Alex's sleeping face didn't calm her. Her nerves couldn't unknot themselves this time. Jodie's lecture had truly gotten to her. She couldn't get it out of her head like the other times. Marissa swiped her hands over her face. She couldn't believe she was dealing with this stress now at four in the morning. She just wanted go back to bed. Let all of her thoughts disappear, but still, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake her thoughts off. And to worsen the situation, the memories of Ryan were returning.

Grabbing her iPod of the nightstand beside her, she sighed in aggravation, setting the player to shuffle. She needed something to settle her mind. A song that she connected too would do. Unfortunately her Ipod wasn't in the mood to listen to her need, the pounding beats of Gwen Stefani's Hollaback girl. Cringing, Marissa immediately clicked the next button, the soothing howl of a violin pouring into her ear. She knew this song by heart. She loved it even if it didn't truly connect to her. Rolling onto her stomach, she buried her head in her pillow, tears silently pouring out of them. She couldn't hold them back any longer. They were too strong.

**In this world you tried  
Not leaving me alone behind**

**There's no other way  
I'll pray to the gods let him stay**

**The memories ease the pain inside,  
Now I know why**

_His hands gripped hers, his nails digging into the palm of her hand. She couldn't push him off. Her frail muscles couldn't even leave a scratch on him, let alone push him off. If only he'd stayed away, if he hadn't been so threatened by Alex, none of this would have happened. She screamed out in pain as he slammed her harder against the wall, forcefully kissing her. She tried her best to refuse, but the pain was unbearable. Every move she tried to make sent screams running up and down her body. She couldn't fight it. Not this time. _

**  
All of my memories keep you near  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
Your silent whispers, silent tears**

Marissa began to sob louder. This song was nothing like her. She never wanted Ryan to stay with her. She never prayed to the gods for anything but for him to leave. Yet she somehow connected to the song. It brought back the memories, yes. But at the same time, it made them easier to understand and get rid of them. It cleared her mind oddly enough. All she thought about was that moment when she heard, giving her space to think about the event. What did connect was that her memories always kept him near. No matter where she was, the second she thought of him, he was in the room with her. She could hear him, see him, and even smell him. All of this just from his memory. But with this song, the flashbacks weren't strong. It was as if she was watching them unlike the others where she felt she was reliving them. ****

Made me promise I'd try  
To find my way back in this life  
I hope there is a way  
To give me a sign you're okay  
Reminds me again it's worth it all  
So I can go home  


_His hand traveled down to her skirt, ripping her skirt off. His nails grazed her leg with his action, drawing thin lines of blood from the top of her thigh. She didn't even feel it. She was already in so much pain, this cut was nothing. She was numb with pain._

_His body got heavier on hers, his nails digging deeper into her palm. There was nothing she could do at this point but scream. The only thing protecting her from him was the flimsy cotton wall of her panties, and that wasn't going to help. He could rip right through that in a second. No help there. She was helpless. There was nothing she could do. Nothing. And in a matter of minutes, the flimsy cotton was lying on the floor, his hand hurrying to unzip his pants._

_She closed her eyes and screamed, hoping that someone would hear her, that someone would save her. _****

All of my memories keep you near  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here  
All of my memories keep you near  
Your silent whispers, silent tears  


Marissa slammed her iPod on the ground, unable to take the memories. She hated how every little thing affected her. She couldn't go through one day without Ryan coming back into her mind. Sure he'd go away for a while, but never did he stay away long enough. Not long enough for her to steady herself for the next blow. Not even long enough for her to sleep the full night. And the worst was that he always came back at the worst moments, like when she was helping Alex remember things.

Her sobs were growing louder, the pillow unable to muffle the sound. She tried to soften them, not wanting to wake Alex, but it was too late. Alex was already shifting around and grumbling. Two signs Marissa had gotten used to. They meant Alex was waking up. She hated that Alex had to see her like this, so broken, so upset. It killed her. She had no reason to give Alex seeing as she had withheld any information about Ryan's doings and such.

"'Riss, you ok?" Alex rubbed her eyes, her voice groggy with sleep. Marissa didn't answer right away She didn't know what to say. Feeling Alex's arm wrap around her, Marissa immediately took the chance to burry her head in Alex's shoulder. "Baby, hush, please don't cry…" the blonde calmed, rubbing small circles into the brunette's back. Marissa tried to listen to her girlfriend, drying her red eyes, holding back a few tears.

---

Song: Memories by Within Temptation


End file.
